she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
