I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
