Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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