Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize