Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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