Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
