my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
