My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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