dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My vagina just clenched in fear
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
