I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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