i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
