I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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