i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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