take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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