i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
