just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You are the jesus of drinking
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
