i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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