I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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