Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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