I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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