MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
