I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
