1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Boobs speak an international language.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
