too bad you live with your parents still
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
