i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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