I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
