hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
