you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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