More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
