I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
