Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
