I swear she didn't look like that last week.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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