Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
