everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
