I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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