My nipple is on Facebook.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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