Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize