They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
