who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
