I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize