I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
