his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
