No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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