I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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