I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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