Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
