i'm signing you up for texting rehab
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
