.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
