weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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