I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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