the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
