when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Come see our sink grown plant.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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