my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
