She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize