I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Duck Duck Cougar?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Randomize
